"Emptiness is loneliness and loneliness is cleanliness and cleanliness is godliness and God is empty, just like me."
I've felt it lurking inside of me for months, but today was the first day that the depression reached the point of preventing me from functioning. It's time to get back on the meds - last time, I waited too long to get help and I ended up filling my emptiness with bottles of Valium, Tylenol PM, and wine. First thing in the morning, I'm scheduling an appointment with my doctor to discuss going back on Prozac and Remeron. Starting the meds and ramping up the dosage to the proper amounts is scary, but it has to be done. There are a lot of side effects that I'll deal with when I start, and I know that I'll have to couple the meds with counseling to make any progress and to make sure I don't spiral out of control. I'm not sure what will be worse - starting the meds or establishing a connection with a counselor.
What does depression feel like? Well, for starters, I think no two people feel depression in the same way. For me, it is a combination of overwhelming emptiness and overwhelming emotions. Overwhelming emptiness - No matter how many people are around, I feel alone. No matter how much praise is given, I'm never good enough. Overwhelming emotions - At any given moment, I feel like I could burst into tears or lash out in rage. Unfortunately, the people who care about me most fall victim to my depression because I tend to try to push people away from me. It's like I'm drowning, and I don't want to take anyone else down with me. Physically, depression takes hold in a vicious cycle beginning with exhaustion from the overwhelming emptiness and emotions. First comes the exhaustion, then I sleep too much, then not enough, and the cycle begins. I sleep too much because I'm exhausted, I can't sleep because I sleep too much, I'm exhausted because I can't sleep. As the cycle repeats, I start to feel fatigue and aches as well as lose motivation to perform daily tasks.
My depression outlook rating system
0 - Extremely depressed, most rapidly declining mental health
1 - Extremely depressed, more rapidly declining mental health
2 - Severely depressed, rapidly declining mental health
3 - Severely depressed, declining mental health
4 - Moderately depressed, slightly declining mental health
5 - Moderately depressed, neither declining nor improving mental health
6 - Moderately depressed, slightly improving mental health
7 - Somewhat depressed, improving mental health
8 - Somewhat depressed, rapidly improving mental health
9 - Least depressed, more rapidly improving mental health
10 - Least depressed, most rapidly improving mental health
Day 00 - 2-3. Even though I know what needs to be done and I'm optimistic about my plan, I can feel myself losing control. I'm scared of starting the meds and establishing a connection with a new counselor, but I'm even more scared of letting myself spiral further out of control.
